I really want to tell you :

I want to spend Christmas with you
I want to spend New Year with you
This year will be the 2nd year you are there, but i don't know what will happen till this Christmas and New Year time. If i have a chance, i want to be with you

Yesterday and today i feel like you are gone, it's not that i gone but it's you. I don't know why i feel this way. Wish you are happy and enjoy your day....

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

I chat with you today, bad chat. Your logic and my logic is different. Your 'make sense' and my 'make sense' is different. Your understanding and my understanding is different. What is left? How to communicate? You said she had a boyfriend but her boyfriend don't like to go to movie, her boyfriend hate her blog, her boyfriend don't want to be mentioned on blog, her boyfriend don't like to hang out with you all. You said you wish i can find a boyfriend who can do all i wish. I told you i wish i was dead, so no need for someone to do all my wish.

Tomorrow is your birthday. 'Happy Birthday' to you....
I'm not good for you.


This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

You just sms me, said you just buy top up voucher for you phone, asking how am i. I said i'm fine and ok. Not sure i'm really fine and ok, but better tell you that. You said now you're watching movies and will back home afternoon, asking where i am. I replied office.

Have a nice weekend, please be happy.

Am i sad? yes, for many reason.

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

This morning we're chatting at office, you said tonight you will go to movie with your friend x and her bf if they are free. I asked, no money for living but has money for movie? you send me an angry sign and said you get a free ticket from x. She always get her free ticket to you. I asked you, she didn't give it to her bf? you didn't asnwer, maybe you overlooked coz i asked you another question, i asked whether she also join you or not. You said still not sure, but her sister will join. As i know if her sister will join the chance for her to also join is very very big. I had a bad mood already, feel sad. Why not tell me about her? only told me about x and her bf? because she's still not sure yet? but you said will go with x and her bf if they are free, that mean they also still not sure. When i asked you that, you just answer, they will go, coz you know x, but you didn't answer my question. She is your soulmate, one of comment on your blog said so. I told you, she is your soulmate. Do you know how i feel? Have a nice weekend. Bye. And i just log out. I went to toilet and cry. You sms said, that's not what you said. that is other person said, and i take it as a holy bible.

When you are alone stay at home whole day, when you went to cafe alone whole day. I feel sad, i thought it's ok you're with her, i don't mind. But if you really went out with her, i always feel sad and my heart keep saying you're happy with her, that make me more sad and hurt. Everytime you said you will went out with her, for movies, for cafe. I just feel very sad and i will had a bad communication with you, make you angry, make you upset. So maybe slowly i will let you go, so you will not suffer from me and i'm not give you bad day. I try to remember what you said you like and dislike. I try to give what you like and not did what you don't like. When someone get what they like, they're happy. That's why i'm trying to give you what you said you like, i told you about this on our chat today. We had a bad ending chat today.

I promised to send you money today. Do you know i was so lucky? I thought i cannot make it, the place closed at 8 pm and i arrived there only a few minutes before it closed and no queque. Amazing, usually i need to queque for at least 10 people. And another lucky thing is, while waiting for colleague finish her job, i force myself to count my money, i told myself, quesera sera. And wow i still have a bit more after i deduct all bills, but of course it's under minimum limit, so bank will charge me for that. I told you can send only $200, but i sent you $300. I'm happy :)
I sent you email to give you the slip number so you can cash the money there, but i didnt sms or leave you offline. You must be on movie with friends watching 'the dark knight' i guess, so i dont want to disturb you and also not really feel want to contact you.

Today you get your new macbook and you're very happy. Saturday, sunday is your day with friends. Well, please be happy. I'm not happy doesn't mean you have to. I want you happy. I want to spend everyday with you, but that is impossible. Almost everytime when i was writing blog i was crying, feel sad.

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

I read your blog today and again i feel sad. You talked about your macbook you going to sell to her. And you had a name for ur macbook and what's the new name for the new macbook that company will give you. Before you said you're not going to write anything personal. For me that is personal, when i read comment she left and your answer to her, i always felt you both are happy being together. You write nothing when you visited here, and as i said before it's very you to tell what's going on in your life. I don't know why i felt hidden by you. You're the one who control your blog, anyone who put a comment have to wait for your approval except some certain friends i guess which is sure she is in the list. So i don't know why, what's wrong with me?
When i sad i cried. Today cry, yesterday also, and it's always about her what made me cry.
One of the comment by her friend which is you also know who she is said 'you really his soulmate'. Because she know many things about you and.... i don't know what to say, my heart hurt, i had too much tears for you. Only comment and answer between you and her , my heart keep saying they are happy together, did you know how i feel? Did you still remember i cried for hours? Maybe you remember but you never remember why, You never understand me. First time in my life i cried for hours for what you said. Cried for an hour for what you wrote. And cried many many times for what i read between you and her. At the end, I want you to be happy. Your happiness is above all for me.

The money i sent you is not enough. And you owe her too. That is what we chat about yesterday that made me cry. Because i know you owe her because i asked accidentaly. I cried because why said when i asked? I promise to send you money this friday, i really have nothing actually, only a few hundred dollar for myself, i still to afraid to count how much exactly left after i paid all the bills, i'm afraid to know it's not enough then what will happen to me, but you need it more than me. I usually take bus from home to mrt ( it's about 2 bus stop or 15 - 20 minutes walk ), but this morning and tonight, i walk from home mrt and mrt home to saving a few dollar more. I have count on it, 1 day i can save $1.34, for 3 days saving it's enough for one lunch/dinner. But i have to wake up a bit earlier in the morning. My bank has minimum balance on the account so they didn't charge me additional fee, but this month my account seem almost empty, i have no money left.

This is what i want to tell you today

I really want to tell you :

I work till late almost for the last 2 weeks, i feel so tired. Today you went out to one of the cafe to enjoy free wifi. You didn't tell me who you are with. When i sms asking what are you doing? you just said they're on movie while you still download something. I not feel want to ask, if that is all you can tell me, then ok. First, you just said you're going to cafe, i don't know whether you had appointment with them or they sms and join you there. You don't like to tell by yourself clearly. I told you today my eyes was hurt coz i cried last night, but i didn't tell you why. Maybe one day i will tell you why, now i only want you to focus on your job and i don't want to give you more trouble with what i felt. Sometimes when i told you my feeling, it will turn to be a bad day to you, i dont want that happen, i want you happy.

Don't know what time you're home, don't know what are you doing after home. I want to know but i don't want to ask, if i keep asking, i feel like i interfere too much on you, but i want to know because i think telling is sharing, and i feel close when i know where you are and what are you doing. Not every minutes i want to know what are you doing, but just inform generally. Me are different, any single things i did, i want to tell you, you're the only person on my mind to tell, but i try not to do so again. Do you know i always feel like loosing you when no news from you? But i told my self, don't send sms asking this and that, give him freedom, he will tell you if he want to.

The other day you said will call me at night, but you didn't. Maybe you're busy.

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

07.07.08 you went back to your country. I saw on your twitter, early morning on that day you sent her twitter saying, hiii...(her name) i will be back soon from ...
Do you want to know how that message make me feel ? I was thinking ' are you happy when you are with me for 3 days?' cause you sound miss her :(
I'm not checking on you but I didn't tell you i saw your twitter. I did asked you, when you are here, did you miss your days in there? did you miss your friend?. You said, ?not really. I asked you, not really mean what? ( because for me, not really mean yes miss them but only a little ). You said, mean not missed them. But how you left her message on twitter made me not feeling that way :(

I asked you before, why you have to invisible while chatting? You said it's not purposely, sometimes when log in it's already invisible and you didn't notice. But it's not exactly like that, sometimes you did know you're invisible, sometimes you're on but in the middle of chat you turn to invisible. Untill now i don't know why coz you never tell me why.

This is what i want to tell you.

I really want to tell you :

09.07.08 we didn't chat at that night, i've been waiting for you 10.30 pm my time and i sms you but no reply. I wait till 11 pm and i sms you again said i'll go to sleep, if you not free you can just tell me. And at the middle of the night i got sms from you saying did you get my sms? i left modem at office, sorry :(. The next day you told me after work you went out to meet her sister, you didn't say her, but usually her sister is with her. You said her sister need advice after met for a while you just went back home. Why everytime you're with her i always didn't get sms that you said you've sent?

It seem you still get used to it not tell, we have big argue about this before if you still remember. You said you get used to it not tell and keep it for yourself and i said, for me that mean you're convenience of being alone or you not trust me to share or you don't want to share or i'm not a right person to share. I know you will not agree, but that is how i feel. I get used to it to tell you everything, but i'm trying not to, i'm trying to keep everything for myself like before i knew you. Today i went out with friend who had a visit here and i didn't tell you.

You said you posted new photos in your blog, before i meet my friend i read your blog, your answer on her comment make me feel sad, i went to toilet at office and cry. It's just very simple, you said after you had your first salary, she will pick the photo she like and you will go with her to get photo framed. Seem you promised/talked about this to her before. My eyes are swallen and hurt coz i cry to much.

You write about your previous visit here with me and you said i'm a very very good friend. You said for you a very very good friend mean someone special. I said why not just write someone special, because you know your friends will read your blog, that's why you didn't write it that way or maybe there's shameful about me that's why you try to hide. You said you didn't try to hide me and there's no shameful thing. A very very good friend is what come in your mind, that's why you write it that way and you say next time you will write as someone special. You said you try not to write anything personal on your blog. Well, i see it as, it's your style to tell story about your life, and you're visit another country, it's very common you tell a story about it, it's just very you. And you know what? Your second visit here, you didn't write anything about it, you just write you had another chance to come here with your business class flight paid by company. My heart was hurt and i cried, i try to ignore it, and i didn't tell you anything about this, i don't want to remind you about someone special we had talked before. I want you to be happy, if you are happy this way, let it be this way.

Since you go back there, we not send sms as much as before. I don't know your reason. My reason is i had not enough money this month and i want to give you more freedom. But i don't know why i always cry everytime i know you went out with her, and mostly i know because i asked you and mostly i know after you went out with her, not before. If you tell me before you going out with her, i feel ok coz i know where you are. But if you tell me because i asked or after you went out with her, i just feel very sad, and when i sad, i cry.

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :



04.06.08 we had dinner and had 'mudpie', i love it. You choose drink for me and mudpie for us to share, i like it.



05.06.08 i met you for a few hours at Starbuck SC before i met my family. I asked you so what do you want to tell me? About your life, about your girls maybe? And nothing to tell.



06.06.08 we met again and we saw 2 movies at SC. We had Carl's Junior and Ben n Jerry and we saw 2 movies.

Movies i saw with you so far :

1. Underdog

2. Sex and The City

3. Wanted

4. Hancock



So far you've been busy with your new job and you didn't sms much and i also didn't sms much. I had not much money less since i sent to you, i'm too afraid to check my atm how much less on my account and i had credit card due this month. I try to saving as much cost as i can this month, such as transport and food. I even didn't give you anything when you came here because i really had no more money to spend this month.

I told you to not waste too much food, you like to order many food and think you can finish it all because you said you feel hungry, but you can't finish it. It happenned while i'm with you. And you said you will try not to waste food. Well, famine was there in another country with any reason, either no food or no money to buy food and you had both food to buy and money for buy, so why have you order more and cannot finish it? While to get donation from each person in this world is like mission impossible so please do not waste food. I believe if each human being in this world donate only 1 cent each day for poverty, it will mean a lot to this world.

I had bad day in office today with one of my colleague and first person i want to tell is you. You said you will be free tonight for chat so i will chat with you later.

This is what i want to tell you today.

I really want to tell you :

I want you to tell me, not because i asked you.

Tuesday 01.07.08 was your first day working, after work you had dinner with her and her sis and bro. How did i know? I asked you. And last night i did think you will going out with her, and i am right. For some sms, you always said you sent and i always said i didn't receive and mostly is when you're going out with her.

Wednesday 02.07.08, tonight you will go to movie ( hulk ) with her and friend.

Do you know i always feel sad when you going out with her? Though you both keep saying you're only best friend and i do believe you were only best friend for one and another reason, but it is not as simple as best friend. I know you going out not only with her but always together with other for lunch, for dinner, for movies, for anything in your daily life activities, but she is always there. We keep talking about this over and over and you never understand what i mean. You said i always focus on her while you going out with other also.

We argued about her on friday 27.06.08 and i still send you money on saturday 28.06.08. You know what? If only you had ended everything with me on friday, i will still send you money on saturday cause you need it. Now you can use the money for having a better dinner and watch movies with friends. I remember you told me, because she had credit card which is offer 50% discount on movie ticket for every wednesday and another friend can get free movie ticket on saturday. I remember that, i didn't mean it as you use the money i transferred to you for fun. You promised will return the money, so it's not that i gave you money. Everything is very clear with me, nothing hidden, nothing will cause misunderstanding, so you don't please worry.

Sincerely i want you to be happy, have success and have the best in your life, i will help you as much as i can.

That is what i want to tell you.